


Remember Me As I Was

by Crowsims



Series: A Crow Flies in Sunnydale [13]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), The Crow - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:10:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowsims/pseuds/Crowsims
Summary: A demon attack brings changes to Carmen that could make a future with Buffy possible, but at a price.





	Remember Me As I Was

**Author's Note:**

> The last part of the series. I borrowed the premise of this story from one of my favorite episodes of Angel. Figured it fit and deserved a shout out, given Carmen is dead and all like Angel is. Gold stars all around to those who get the episode referenced. I hope you all enjoy.

I was in our bed, in a tattered black tank and smeared jeans as the sun shone through the windows, the sounds of arguing coming from downstairs slowly bringing me back to consciousness. I rested my arm over my eyes and groaned as the beginnings of a headache formed around my temples; which is strange because I haven’t had one since becoming a Crow.

 

What hap…oh right, a demon.

 

I was taking a group of Potentials though the graveyard last night, giving them a feel for patrolling and what to look for in the case of vampires when this big muscle demon in some leather armor carrying a sword attacked us; or to be more precise me. We fought and it got in a good few slashes on me, especially around my chest before I got the sword away from him. Punches were flying when Rona used his own sword and cut his neck pretty deep, causing some of his blood to spatter on to me, mixing with mine before the wounds healed up.

 

I remember feeling an intense heat engulf my body as I fell to my knees, the other girls coming to check on me as the demon slunk away in to the shadows, leaving it’s sword behind with Rona and me on the verge of unconsciousness.

 

The shouting match downstairs was growing louder but I was able to hear something striking the window.

 

“Sis,” I called out but received no answer.

 

I swung my legs around and slowly and shakily got to my feet, stumbling my way over to the window to find my bird outside tapping on the glass.

 

“Hey,” I greeted opening the window.

 

Still no reply.

 

“Come on, I make one mistake and you give me the cold shoulder.” Sis cocked her head at me and fluttered her feathers then squawked softly before flying off.

 

“Yeah, well the same to you,” I shouted after her, slamming the window down which only made my headache worst.

 

Figuring it was time to see what was going on downstairs and to get an aspirin for my head, for all the good it’ll do, I quickly changed my clothes then made my way to the door.

 

***

 

“We need more of a description then big, green and ugly,” Buffy declared angrily.

 

“Yeah that kinda covers a large portion of the demon population,” Faith added calmly from her place on the couch beside Dawn.

 

Buffy was pacing in front of the Potentials I took out last night, including Rona who was standing tall and proud.

 

“Don’t get cocky,” Buffy growled as she stopped in front of her with a menacing glare, “You let Carmen get hurt, that is so not expectable to me.”

 

“It was demon blood splatter babe,” I told her in Rona’s defense from the bottom of the steps.

 

All eyes turned to me as I held on to the railing and continued, “She did great. The demon is probably in a ditch some where from the blood loss that blow she gave him. It mixed with mine, which was an accident and probably the reason I passed out, but I’m fine now. Aside from a little headache.” That seemed to calm Buffy down a bit as Rona smiled warmly at me.

 

“You don’t get headaches,” Dawn declared causing calm Buffy to vanish and worrisome Buffy to return.

 

Tara came and stopped in front of me, placed a hand on my forehead then began to take in every inch of me before stopping at my chest.

 

“Careful, Tara. Willow might get jealous if you keep staring at my goods like that. Not to mention a certain blonde Slayer,” I teased, hoping to lighten the increasingly worrisome mood falling over everyone.

 

Buffy crossed her arms under her chest while Willow came up and looked concerned at Tara. “What is it?” she asked worriedly, clearly knowing what her girlfriend was doing.

 

“What’s what?”

 

Tara looked up and locked eyes with me before taking a step back, a look of pure amazement on her face. “Your aura…it’s different,” she breathed.

 

“Different how?”

 

“I can’t be sure but I think you’re alive,” Tara answered, sending out a collective gasp through out the room as Buffy came up and took my hand turning it over in hers.

 

“Come on,” I laughed, “I think I would know if I suddenly woke up alive. Sure I got a headache…”

 

“And a pulse,” Buffy added shakily as she placed two fingers over my wrist.

 

“What?” I exclaimed in shock. I placed my hand over my chest and sure enough I felt my heartbeat for the first time in six years. It was slow and steady but growing faster and stronger by the second.

 

How did this happen?

 

“Sis,” I began shakily, “She was at the window…I couldn’t hear her. I thought she was just giving me a hard time for getting beat by a demon but now…”

 

“Loss of connection to her could mean,” Giles began as he came and stood behind Buffy, “Call on the Crow.”

 

“You know I can’t always transform when I want,” I reminded him, “Sometimes I need to be angry just to feel a spark from her.”

 

“I may have broken your guitar trying a little heavy metal this morning,” Rona piped out.

 

“You what?” I shouted staring heatedly at her.

 

“That got her riled up,” Dawn laughed.

 

“Anything?” Giles asked. I looked at him then at Buffy before closing my eyes.

 

Nothing.

 

No voice, no spark, no presence inside me what so ever.

 

I need more proof. This could all just be a dream after all.

 

I pinched the top of Buffy’s hand that was still holding my wrist. “Ow,” Buffy shrieked, glaring at me before returning the favor, pinching my bare upper arm with a little Slayer strength.

 

“Owwwww,” I groaned louder, looking down to see a dark purple bruise that wasn’t healing.

 

I’m alive!

 

“I’m alive,” I repeated out loud before my stomach growled, “And I’m hungry.”

 

***

 

“Mmmm,” I moaned over a mouthful of scrambled egg.

 

“Good?” Faith asked from her place over the stove where she had made me the eggs.

 

“Delicious. I will never doubt your mad cooking skills ever again.”

 

“You think her eggs are good, you should try her chocolate cake,” Dawn said sitting down next to me, snatching some eggs before I could stop her.

 

“Can you make me one of those too?” I asked pleadingly.

 

Buffy came in, laughing softly as she stood over me at the table. “Before you start packing on the pounds, maybe you could be a little more concerned about your sudden condition,” she suggested.

 

“And maybe you should be a little less concerned,” I countered.

 

“This isn’t funny,” Buffy stated in a no nonsense tone, “We have no idea what that demon was or what his blood can do. For all we know it could be poisonous and this is just a stage of the effects.

 

I looked up at her with wide comical eyes, staring at her like she had just sprouted a second nose. “Let me see if I can follow your thinking,” I began after wiping my chin off, “You think the demon’s blood is poisonous, but before it kills it gives life first.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“That is the blondest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” I laughed. Buffy glared at me then smacked the back of my head…hard. “What the hell,” I groaned, rubbing my head and glaring at her grinning face.

 

“Keep in mind you can feel pain now whenever you decide to spout off your blonde jokes,” Buffy warned wickedly as she scooped up the last of my eggs and scarfed them down.

 

Faith was smiling as she placed another helping on my plate then placed the empty skillet in the sink before turning to lean against it. She crossed her arms and stared at me as I dug in on my third helping. “So what’s it feel like?”

 

“What does what feel like?” I asked not looking up at her.

 

“Being alive,” Faith answered, giving me her dimple smile when I looked over at her.

 

I looked back at Buffy to see her wicked grin turn in to a sorrowful look as I sat back in my seat.

 

My death is something we rarely talk about anymore considering the way it happened and who it was that killed me. It brings up too many bad memories for all of us so we avoid the topic like the plague. Faith however just can’t help herself sometimes.

 

“I feel like I did before I died,” I said in a tone that hopefully told her to change the subject.

 

Faith caught on and turned around to begin cleaning the skillet when Giles came in carrying one of his old books. He placed it down beside me and opened it up to an ink drawing of a demon.

 

“Is this the demon that attacked you?”

 

“That’s him,” I told him glancing down at the page, “Mohra demon, huh?”

 

“Yes,” Giles began, moving to sit across from me as Buffy moved behind me to look down at the book, “Its blood has strong rejuvenating properties; in fact it is nicknamed the ‘Blood of Eternity’. The only clue on how to kill one says ‘Mohra will only fall when darkness comes to a thousand eyes.’ I’m still working on that. Our Theory is that when its blood merged with yours it healed you, returning you to your human self and casting out the Crow. It is also possible that the loss of the Crow means your soul is yours once again. It’s also possible that it escaped in order to allow its own blood to heal it from the wound Rona gave it.”

 

I suddenly lost my renewed appetite as I pulled the book away from Buffy’s eyes and looked it over. “Says here it’s considered a powerful fighter, a warrior demon that tends to align its self with more powerful dark forces,” I said then looked up at Giles, “Meaning us coming across him was no accident.”

 

“That is my belief as well,” Giles replied, taking off his glasses and wiping them off with the cuff of his sleeve.

 

“I don’t understand,” Dawn said looking confused.

 

“The First sent that demon after me, Dawnie,” I sighed standing up and making my way around the table. I headed to the window and looked up at the tree in the backyard to see Sis looking down at me.

 

Even though we’re not bound anymore I guess she doesn’t want to leave me.

 

“Why would the First want to make you human?” Dawn asked smiling softly at Buffy “Seems more like a reward then an evil plot to me. You and Buffy can have a normal life together now. Or as normal as a life with a Slayer can be. You two can grow old together and maybe have kids and…”

 

“Dawnie,” Faith stopped her with a soft smile, “It’s not that simple.”

 

“Carmen’s human now,” Buffy stated worriedly, “She can feel pain, which means she can bleed without healing. Which means she can die. And she might not come back a second time.” I turned and looked warmly at her as Jonathan came in.

 

“The First thinks I know something that can be used against him. Something involving Crows. So in order to keep me from figuring it out, to keep us from using whatever it is against him, he makes me human and therefore easier to kill. Pretty clever plan you incorporeal bastard.”

 

“Rona and the others are ready,” Jonathan declared, quickly deciding a change in topic was needed when Buffy sagged in her seat.

 

“Right,” Faith nodded wiping her hands off and going over to give Dawn a quick kiss, “Be back soon.”

 

“Back from where?” I asked.

 

“From tracking the demon down and making sure it’s dead,” Giles answered, “We can not allow the First to use its blood to strengthen its forces, or worse let another one of those uber-vamps loose.”

 

“Right,” I breathed looking to Faith, “Be careful.”

 

“No worries,” she replied smiling assuredly at me.

 

“As for you two,” Jonathan began, looking between Buffy and me, “I took the liberty of setting up a little private picnic in your bedroom.”

 

“Jonathan,” I breathed.

 

“You two deserve to have some time to your selves,” Giles stated smiling softly at Buffy, “You both have more then earned a reprieve and now seems as good a time as any to have one.”

 

There are so many things I could tease about with what he just said but I’m going to let it slide. Buffy looked to Giles and smiled gratefully before standing up and coming to stand in front of me.

 

“It would be a shame to let their generosity go to waste,” she stated in a slightly excited tone, “Not to mention all the fun we can have in our soundproof room.”

 

“Did not need to hear that,” Dawn stated in mock disgust.

 

“Don’t worry you won’t,” I teased. I couldn’t let that slide.

 

I cast a grateful smile Giles and Jonathan’s way as Buffy nodded at them then dragged me out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our room.

 

***

 

I love Jonathan.

 

He packed a couple of various pints of ice cream in to a cooler with sandwiches, some chocolates and other sweets in a small basket along with mixed fruit and plenty of bottles of water and a few Gatorades. We ate, had sex, re-hydrated then had more sex. We took a thirty minute break and had our third marathon of sex.

 

I’m beginning to miss my Crow stamina a little bit.

 

Now we’re currently snaking on some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

 

“I missed chocolate,” I sighed, savoring the taste of the creamy ice cream in my mouth before swallowing.

 

“Chocolate is good,” Buffy breathed, leaning in and licking a droplet off that had landed on one of my breasts, “Chocolate off you is better.”

 

That was so hot.

 

I set the pint back in the mystically chilled cooler then pulled Buffy in close to me, resting her head on my chest while I rested my back against the headboard.

 

“I like this sound, thump thump-thump thump,” Buffy declared warmly, “It’s a good sound.”

 

“Glad you like it,” I replied happily, “You’ll be hearing it a lot more.”

 

Buffy looked up at me, her smile fading as a worried looked took its place. “You don’t miss being a Crow, do you?” she asked in a low tone.

 

I smiled and placed a kiss to her forehead, wrapping my arms tighter around her as I answered honestly. “I still know how to kick butt, a parting gift from the Crow or something I just picked up. And I know this is going to change the way we do things, limit the amount of time I go out on patrol with you, but do I miss being dead? No I don’t. Dawn’s right, this opens up a lot of doors in our relationship that were either closed, un-thought of or just impossible to consider.”

 

Buffy’s smile returned as she closed her eyes and snuggled closer against me. “I’m glad to hear you say that,” she breathed, “Time for another nap.”

 

I smiled down at her and closed my eyes as I felt sleep take me, a feeling I must say I have missed.

 

***

 

I opened my eyes to find the light coming in was a golden hue, the sun nearly about ready to set and that I was alone in bed. Turning on to my side I found Buffy sitting in a chair in the corner watching me, a look of calm peace on her face.

 

“How long have you been watching me?” I asked resting my head in my hand as I placed my elbow on the bed.

 

“A while,” Buffy answered, “You always watched me when we slept together, so I figured I’d see what is so special about it.”

 

“And?” I asked smirking.

 

“You looked so beautiful, so peaceful,” Buffy sighed warmly, “Not to mention you talk in your sleep. Chocolate sauce is messy, but a good idea for some late night fun.”

 

I blushed and looked away, causing Buffy to laugh as she got up fully dressed then tossed me my pants and top. “Get dressed,” she ordered, “The others will be back any minute with news on the Mohra.”

 

I tossed the sheets aside and pulled on my jeans just when Faith’s loud voice called out to us urgently. The sounds of scuffling and frantic voices sped up my getting dressed. We ran out and downstairs, just in time to see Faith set a bleeding Rona on the floor.

 

“Rona,” I cried rushing in and kneeling beside her, looking down to see blood leaking out of a bandana over her stomach.

 

“It was a god damn trap,” Faith hissed angrily, “It took us most of the day but we tracked the Mohra to a cave. When we went inside all we found was a pack of Bringers. I got cut off from the others but Rona…she took on most of them until one got in close and stabbed her. I tried to get to her, C, I swear I tried but…”

 

“It’s okay, Faith,” I stopped her, running a hand across Rona’s forehead, brushing her hair back, “You’re going to be fine.”

 

“Liar,” Rona coughed out, “I’m dying aren’t I?”

 

“You’re not dying,” I told her strongly even though I knew it was true. The blood seeping out of the bandana is dark, almost black, meaning the knife either pierced her liver or nicked it. Either way she doesn’t have long.

 

“I’m scared,” Rona cried, tears falling from her eyes.

 

“Don’t be,” I replied softly, mustering up some courage and a warm smile for her, “It won’t hurt long. Then you’ll go to a wooded area where a woman in a long white sundress and long brown hair will take you to where you deserve to be. You won’t feel anything but peace then.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she said lowly, her breathing growing shallow and her eyes heavy, “Wanted to…wanted to be…be a hero…one of th…the good guys.”

 

Her eyes closed and breathing stopped. She was gone.

 

“You were,” I told her, leaning down and placing a kiss to her forehead then resting mine against her as my own tears fell on to her already cold face.

 

***

 

I was sitting on the back porch, nursing my second bottle of beer from a six pack of Faith’s I stole when Buffy came out and sat beside me. I still had Rona’s blood on my hands and shirt but I didn’t care. I felt numb, like I was dead again.

 

Rona may have started out scared and wanted nothing to do with Slaying, but after my little display of killing the uber-vamp she turned over a new leaf. She got in to the training Faith and I along with Buffy put them through, picking up the martial arts like it was second nature and began to become a bit of a leader for the girls. The two of us got close over our love of music.

 

I am really going to miss her.

 

“You okay?” Buffy asked.

 

“Nope,” I answered, “And if you came out here to give me the ‘she’s a casualty of war, her death is tragic’ speech save it.”

 

“Okay,” Buffy sighed.

 

“It’s my fault.”

 

“No it’s not,” Buffy argued.

 

“If I was still a Crow I could have gone out with them, taken that knife for her and still been able to take down the asshole.”

 

“But you’re not a Crow, you’re human now. If you had gone with them you would have died instead of Rona,” Buffy said calmly, “You may know how to fight but…”

 

“I’m a liability in the field,” I shot out angrily, standing up to glare down at her, “Is that what you were going to say?”

 

“No…but since you brought it up,” Buffy began in a strained tone, “I don’t want you going out on patrol with the girls anymore. You can help train them still, but field operations are off limits unless you’re with me or Faith.”

 

“Is that an order General Buffy ma’am,” I taunted, giving her a mock salute before taking a long pull from my beer.

 

Buffy got up and grabbed the bottle out of my hand, finished it then tossed it aside with a smug grin on her face. My anger got the better of me and I took a swing at Buffy. She caught my fist and twisted my arm painfully back before delivering a fast vicious kick to my stomach that sent me flying and landing on the grass on my ass.

 

I coughed and felt woozy, but I managed to get to my feet to see a shocked look on Buffy’s face. “Carmen, I’m,” Buffy began but I held up a hand to stop her.

 

“I threw the first punch,” I groaned holding my stomach, “You made your point though. Buffy, I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean what I said. I’m just…I just…I need to go for a ride, clear my head.”

 

“Carmen,” Buffy sighed worriedly.

 

“Won’t be gone long and won’t go far,” I promised her with a pleading look in my eyes, “Please baby. I just…I need to get away for a few minutes.”

 

“Okay,” Buffy breathed, knowing where I’d probably be going, “Do you want some company?”

 

“No, but thanks,” I answered warmly before heading to my bike.

 

“I love you,” she called out to me, making me stop in my tracks.

 

“I love you too,” I replied over my shoulder before I left the backyard.

 

***

 

My feet took me to me to Erica’s and my headstones out of pure instinct. Sis landed on mine and struck the top a few times with her beak to get my attention.

 

“I really wish I could hear you again,” I said out loud, “If I can’t hear you I’m guessing I don’t warrant special visits from her anymore, do I?”

 

“I’ll visit you anytime you want?” Rona’s voice came from behind me but I knew it wasn’t her.

 

“Go away,” I growled. Sis flew off, hopefully going to get back-up since the First probably didn’t come alone.

 

“Make me,” the First countered as it came and stood beside me in a perfect imitation of Rona.

 

“Wish I could but you took away my power,” I breathed turning to face it, “Were you so afraid of me that making me human was your only option to deal with me?”

 

“I prefer to think of it as a preemptive strike,” The First replied, “History does have a tendency of repeating itself unless you get proactive.”

 

“That’s what you call sicking the Mohra on me?”

 

The First grinned as it walked behind me and stood over my grave, unconsciously sending a cold shiver down my spine. It placed its hand over the head stone then turned to look at me.

 

“Rona died because your girl couldn’t stay dead,” The First stated strongly, “Two Slayers called at the same time weakened the line and caused a shift in the balance between light and dark, giving me an opening I’ve been waiting millennia for.”

 

“Buffy doesn’t carry the line anymore, Faith does. If Faith dies another one is called. If Buffy dies no one is called.”

 

That part of Giles explanation I did get because it involved two words I never want to hear in the same sentence; Buffy and dies.

 

“Makes no difference,” The First laughed, “A Crow managed to…”

 

“Managed to what?” I asked, not liking the glare it was giving me.

 

“Clever,” The First declared with a chuckle, “But our little discussion has come to an end. Good bye, Carmen. And don’t worry about Buffy. I’ll be sure to console her after your dead.”

 

Before I could scream or threaten it, I was pushed from behind.

 

Now I really miss being a Crow. I would have been able to sense my attacker before he ever laid a hand on me.

 

Rolling on the ground I got to my feet and came face to face with the Mohra demon, looking pissed as he charged at me with his fist raised. He swung and I blocked it, but he was too strong and it took most of my effort to block, leaving me open for the Mohra to drive his other fist at my chest.

 

My eyes bulged out as I felt like my lungs were going to burst as I fell to my knees, with the Mohra now holding my wrist. It squeezed it tight then twisted fast, snapping my wrist and causing me to cry out. An evil grin crossed its face. The large jewel in the center of its head sparkled in the moonlight as it kneed me under my chin, sending my head snapping back painfully as I fell to the ground.

 

In pain and finding it hard to breath, I turned on to my stomach and tried to crawl away from it, but I was like a snail trying to out run a fox. I felt it press its booted foot down on to the center of my back as I heard a knife being unsheathed. Just before it could strike I heard Sis caw loudly then the pressure on my back was gone.

 

Buffy had arrived and was beating the crap out of the Mohra while Sis landed beside me.

 

“Thanks,” I coughed out, smiling at her as I felt a little blood leak out of my mouth.

 

Buffy and the Mohra continued to trade blows, with Buffy managing to get the dagger away from him and stab him in the chest. But the Mohra just staggered back and grinned at her. The jewel it its forehead gleamed again as it pulled the knife out and I was suddenly struck with an idea.

 

“The jewel,” I coughed out.

 

“What?” Buffy asked not taking her eyes off the demon.

 

“The jewel on its forehead, smash it.”

 

Buffy bent down and charged at the demon, picking up a rock as she went then shot up and drove it through the jewel. A huge crack could be seen as the Mohra took a staggering step back and brought its hands up to cover the jewel. Sweeping his legs out from under him, Buffy pounced on top and raised the stone again then drove it down, shattering the jewel and causing the Mohra to scream before it also shattered to dust under her.

 

“Darkness to a thousand eyes,” I said with a smirk as I rolled on to my back, “Have to remember to tell Giles that.”

 

“Hush,” Buffy breathed as she knelt down beside me, gently lifting my head up and depositing it in her lap, “The others will be here soon. We’ll get you home and this time I’ll play nurse for you.”

 

I smiled weakly up at her. In my current condition if I tried to fight anything bigger then a cockroach, Buffy would be doing that a lot.

 

How could I help her?

 

How could I protect her or Dawn or anybody as I am now?

 

I rested my throbbing and probably broken wrist on my chest and closed my eyes as it suddenly hit me. I truly have become a liability to Buffy in the field. She’d be more worried about saving me then the greater good. Worst case scenario I would be responsible for getting her killed.

 

That was unacceptable to me.

 

***

 

I opened my eyes to find myself in the wooden forest of the land of the dead. A place I thought I’d never find myself again.

 

“You aren’t dead,” Erica began from behind me, “But you did come pretty damn close. You have been given a great gift and what have you done with it?”

 

I turned to grin at her about to answer when she placed a hand over my mouth.

 

“Yes I know. You pigged out on junk food and had amazing sex with Buffy,” Erica sighed, a tad bit jealous I could tell, “As for the chocolate sauce…that was my fantasy, remember?”

 

I nodded with mischief shining in my eyes as Erica removed her hand.

 

“Carmen, you are no longer indestructible,” she reminded me softly, “You need to be more careful.”

 

I sighed and lowered my head, turning my back on her I began walking towards the bridge where I took my plunge back in to the mortal world as a newborn Crow.

 

“This gift…it’s not something I asked for,” I breathed sadly, “And it’s something I don’t think I can afford to keep.”

 

“Carmen,” Erica sighed placing a hand on my shoulder, “This is a dreamscape, not the land of the dead. Jump off that bridge and you’ll wake up at home, sore and still human.”

 

I turned to her with a serious look on my face. “What if I don’t want to be human anymore?”

 

Erica looked confused for only a minute before catching on. “No.”

 

“You could talk to them, get them to undo it.”

 

“Carmen,” Erica argued.

 

“It doesn’t even have to be the Powers, call up the Grim Reaper or whatever cosmic force governs death and is in charge of Crows and get him to do it,” I babbled in a frantic tone.

 

“Do you even hear yourself?” Erica asked in shock, “You’re human now. You could have a semi normal life with Buffy. You can grow old together surrounded by grandchildren if you wanted to instead of watching her continue to age alone. Think about what you’re asking, what you’re giving up.”

 

I know what I’m giving up. Everything I’ve ever wanted. The price is just too high though.

 

All our research hasn’t given us a single clue in to defeating the First, or what his endgame will be. The only card we have to play is me and even that is still a mystery to us. If I don’t go back to being a Crow we may loose this war.

 

“I have to do this,” I told her in a shaky tone, “I don’t have a choice in the matter. The First is going to keep picking off those girls one by one then he’s going to come after Faith and sever the line completely. Then he’ll take Buffy out and probably make me watch as she dies.”

 

“You don’t know that,” Erica tried to soothe me, but it wasn’t working.

 

“I do. And the only way I can protect them, protect my girl is to be dead, to be a Crow.”

 

Erica looked up and closed her eyes, letting out a long deep sigh before looking back at me. “They can’t just snap their collective fingers and you’re a Crow again,” she began in a sad tone, “The only way for them to return you to your previous life is to reverse time to just before the Mohra demon attacked you. Only you will have any memory of this day, everyone else will loose it including Buffy.”

 

“How long do I have before they turn back the clock?”

 

“I can give you five minutes when you wake up,” Erica replied softly coming up and cupping my cheek, “Carmen, are you sure this is what you want?”

 

I leaned in to her touch and closed my eyes, smiling softly as I rested a hand over hers. “Yes,” I sighed.

 

“Okay,” Erica said warmly then slapped me awake.

 

***

 

I shot up and groaned, feeling like I was hit by a truck as I looked around our room.

 

“Easy sweetie, easy,” Buffy soothed as she sat down beside me, “You’re home now, you’re safe. Here drink this. It’s some of Tara’s herbal tea. It’ll make you feel better.”

 

“I don’t need it,” I argued swinging my feet over and looking down at my bandaged wrist.

 

“Look, I know you’re a tough chick and all but you have bruised ribs and a dislocated wrist,” Buffy said holding out the mug of tea, “Now just take the mug and drink your medicine.”

 

“In five minutes I’m not going to need medicine.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Buffy asked.

 

I stood up and turned to face her, a small smile on my face as I took the mug from her hands and placed it on the nightstand.

 

I have two options right now.

 

Option A, I tell her the truth and spend the next five minutes arguing.

 

Option B, I lie and spend the next five minutes holding her.

 

Then again I can always do both.

 

“Erica came to me while I was out,” I explained taking hold of one of her hands and holding it tightly between us, “I asked her to ask the Powers to make me a Crow again.”

 

“You what?” Buffy asked in disbelief, pulling her hand out of mine.

 

“They couldn’t just make me a Crow again, so they are turning back the clock to just before I was attacked by the Mohra. That way I can prevent its blood from mixing with mine,” I finished my explanation.

 

Buffy looked both hurt and angry as she began pacing around in front of me. “Why,” she asked not looking at me.

 

“Why,” I repeated with a laugh, “Look at me. I’m sore, bruised and broken. How exactly am I supposed to protect you, little own help you in this war? Swing a sword around wildly and hope I scare away the bad guys. I got my ass kicked by a demon I could have easily taken if I was…”

 

“Dead,” Buffy finished, turning on her heal and glaring angrily at me with watery eyes, “You can still help without fighting. Dawn helps with research for crying out loud.”

 

“That’s because you won’t let her go out on patrol with Faith,” I countered smirking.

 

“Don’t change the subject,” Buffy warned as she stomped in front of me, “I don’t need you to protect me all the time. I was taking care of myself just fine long before I even met you.”

 

“And what a wonderful job you did. Your first Watcher was killed. You were technically dead for two whole minutes give or take. And then of course there’s the whole Angel fiasco.”

 

“You bitch,” Buffy growled through clenched teeth.

 

“You want to hit me go a head,” I told her calmly, “You’ll never get this chance again.”

 

Buffy narrowed her eyes at me as a tear fell down her cheek, her hands balled in to fists at her sides as we stood there waiting. She lowered her head and began to cry before I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in against me.

 

“Please don’t do this.”

 

I pulled her back as tears began falling down my own eyes. “Don’t you know how much I wish I didn’t have to?” I asked in a choked up tone, “I know me being human would be so much easier for us and I want nothing more then to stay this way.”

 

“Then stay,” Buffy pleaded looking up, “Talk her out of this. Please.” I laughed and cupped her cheek, wiping away some of her tears with my thumb.

 

“She already tried. You can take care of yourself just fine, baby. I didn’t mean what I said. Again. But I have to do this. The First is not going to stop coming after you and the others and now…now I know I may be the only one who can stop it.”

 

Buffy leaned in to my touch, smiled then wiped away my tears. “How long do we have?” she asked.

 

I glanced behind me at the digital alarm clock and closed my eyes after reading the display, letting out a pained sigh before turning back to Buffy. “A little under two minutes.”

 

Buffy sobbed louder and began shaking her head. “That’s not enough time that’s not,” she began frantically, “How do you expect me to go on knowing what we had…what you gave up…what we lost?”

 

“You won’t have to,” I cried, managing to reign in my emotions in order to sound calm, “They’re rewinding things for everyone but me. Only I’ll remember this day.”

 

“Carmen,” Buffy breathed, “You…that will kill you.”

 

“Then it’s a good thing I’ll be dead again,” I joked but it wasn’t sincere.

 

Buffy looked at my bra clad chest and placed her hand in the center. “I felt your heart beat. I heard it.”

 

I looked back and saw that we only had seconds left. So I leaned in and stole a kiss before placing her head on my chest so she could listen to my heart one last time.

 

“Thump-thump,” Buffy breathed before my world flashed white.

 

***

 

“I’m just saying you’re R&B soft rock style is fine, but you need a little more Hendrix in your playin’,” Rona said as she walked beside me in the graveyard, followed by the other potentials.

 

I froze and she just kept on walking until she too stopped after noticing I wasn’t there. “Carmen?” she called out worriedly turning to look at me, “You okay?”

 

Soon I’ll be.

 

I snapped my head to the left just as the Mohra demon charged at me with his sword drawn. Catching his wrist, I squeezed it with all my strength until he dropped it.

 

“Never sneak up on a lady,” I told him crushing his wrist then flipping him forward on to his back.

 

Taking his sword in hand quickly, I brought the butt of it down and smashed the jewel in his forehead causing him to shatter in to green dust. I stood up and brushed my self off and resumed my walk, passing a stunned Rona and leaving some equally stunned girls behind.

 

“Come along ladies, we don’t have all night,” I told them spinning around and grinning evilly at Rona, “Oh and Rona, if you ever try your Hendrix out on my guitar, you’ll be joining him before your time.”

 

***

 

It was late when we arrived home and all the girls went to their respective sleeping bags and fell right to sleep still in their clothes. After nabbing one of Giles texts on Crows I headed up to our room to find Buffy asleep on the bed.

 

Smiling softly I went over and adjusted the blanket covering her then sat down in the chair in the corner, using the window and full moon as a reading light I began my research.

 

 _‘Try early Crows, it might shed some light on why the First is so afraid of us,’_ Sis’ voice suggested in my head.

 

‘I’ll do that,’ I though back, using our mental connection for a change in stead of replying out loud so as not to wake Buffy. But it didn’t work.

 

“Carmen,” Buffy called out.

 

“I’m here babe,” I said coming over to sit on the side of the bed.

 

“Everything go okay tonight?” she asked in a slightly tired tone, but managed to turn and face me.

 

“One big ugly green demon down and three vamps, each taken out by yours truly,” I answered, “Rona got one and the others just observed.”

 

“We may have to push them a bit harder,” Buffy sighed, “The Bringers tried to open one of those weird locked portal things tonight. We got there in time to stop them thanks to Willow’s wards letting us know. What are you doing?”

 

“Research in to Crows,” I laughed, “Got an idea of why the First is worried about me and thought I could find some fact to it.”

 

“Can that wait till morning? I need my snuggles?” Buffy asked in a childish tone.

 

I laughed and ran a hand through her hair before getting up, shedding all my clothes except for my boy shorts then hopped in to bed next to her. Buffy immediately wrapped her arms around me and rested her head over my chest, causing a twinge of regret to pull at my heart.

 

“Buffy?”

 

“Yeah,” she replied.

 

“Do you wish I was human…that you could hear my heart beat? That we could live a somewhat normal life together?” I asked.

 

She looked up at me confused. “What brought this on?” she wondered out loud the same thought I was having.

 

“Just another thought that hit me,” I lied.

 

She has no memory of me being human and Rona is alive. This is the start of a new day then the one I lived, but I couldn’t forget the feeling of my heart beating. Of tasting real food, of feeling everything like a normal person does for a change.

 

I could always track down another Mohra demon after this is over and use it’s blood to make me human again but…even if we all survive this war…I have to know if that’s what I want or what I want for Buffy.

 

“I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it, because I have,” Buffy admitted, “We’ve been together five years now and you haven’t aged a day while I…”

 

“Have only gotten more beautiful,” I supplied for her.

 

“It would make a future together easier,” Buffy continued before straddling my hips and looking down at me with a warm smile, “But I fell in love with you Carmen, not a dead woman or a Crow. I fell in love with you. I’m not normal and any life we have whether you’re alive or not will never be normal. And I’m fine with that. As long as I have you by my side I don’t care about semantics like if your heart beats or not.”

 

I smiled up at her and took her hand and placed it over my heart. “You make me feel like it beats, Buffy,” I told her lovingly, “And it beats only for you. I love you so much and promise to do whatever it takes to make sure we have a future. All of us.”

 

“I know you will sweetie,” she replied warmly leaning down and kissing me deeply, “I love you too. Now any more thoughts before I go back to sleep.”

 

A wicked grin crossed my face as I decided to take a page out of Faith’s playbook.

 

“Now that you mention it, I seem to have developed a bad case of the Double H’s,” I said, causing Buffy to laugh, “Horny and horny. You aren’t too tired to help me take care of it, are you?”

 

“For you, never,” Buffy breathed then leaned down and captured my lips in a soul searing kiss.

 

 

 

 

         

 

         

 

 

 

         

**Author's Note:**

> That's it. That's all I got down for my Crow. Other story ideas came up and demanded to written. Older ones end up on the back burner, sometime forgotten about. But you never know, I could get a spark and come back to this. Until then thank you to all who read, liked and left kudos. It means a lot to me :)


End file.
